(This first one was actually written about the original _Nick Knight_ pilot.) DAY DREAMS The brightest moments of my day Are also the darkest Here I sit, before a pyramid of TV screens Drinking sparingly of the nourishment I loathe And greedily of the dawn's secondhand brightness And I wonder Will I ever truly see it? Ten minutes in a tanning salon Almost swallowing a sip of tea Barely restraining myself from murdering The woman I want so much to love... These are my milestones? Markers of my pathetic progress Toward a sunrise that may never be mine Is it really possible, what I seek? Can the monster be transformed Back into a man? Or is it too late for me to redeem The lifetime of days I pawned for an eternity of nights? Am I tormenting myself for nothing? No, I won't believe that It's a long hard road (How long, Jean-Pierre?) (No, it's "Nick" now) (Do you even remember?) (I don't want to remember) But someday I will reach the end After all, I have plenty of time Wasn't that the deal? I've had my fill of time Now I want a life My own, not stolen From some poor wretch who'll "Never be missed" (Enough of that) (I'm paying my debt) (Catch a killer, don't be one) (How much do I still owe?) Here, in the brightest moment of my day And also the darkest I don't know if I believe That anything can buy back A sunrise for me But for the sake of my sanity And my soul (Do I still have that?) I have to try --Valerie Lynn Meachum January 1990 * * * SO HE CAN SEE A SUNRISE How can I do what has never been done? You are my friend, Nick, And your trust Means more to me than I can say But sometimes I'm not so sure it isn't misplaced Dr. Natalie Lambert, M.E. Wunderkind of the coroner's office She always has the answers Doesn't she? What you are is such a mystery And you have asked my help To transform the mystery back into a man Who can live and love And feel all those things They took away from you That night so long ago Sometimes I feel like such a fraud Surely you must know that I'm Guessing in the dark Subjecting you to a lunatic hybrid Of alchemy and twelve-step process psychology With a healthy helping of guilt on the side As if you're not an expert on that one already It's a little surreal, sometimes To think that you, my friend, The Nick Knight who jokes around like any other cop Who almost always has a hug and a smile to spare Has lived for centuries And in that time has committed murder to live And that the drive to kill for blood Still lives within you If you lost control It could as easily be me as anyone You scare me when I think that way So I just try not to Just concentrate on the jokes and hugs and smiles And look forward to the day When I can stand beside you And watch the sunrise you long for We can do it, Nick... Just don't ask me exactly how. --Valerie Lynn Meachum May 8, 1992 * * * TUG-OF-WAR Two women One man A perfectly balanced struggle Not for his heart But for his soul On one side, Janette Woman of mystery Woman of the past The one who tempted him into The dark snare of immortality And who cannot understand Why he no longer wishes to share it with her On one side, Natalie Woman of science Woman of today The one who offers him hope A way out of that trap And with it the human friendship and trust He never expected to have again Between them, one man Whom each loves in her own way But who is he? Nicholas The man of the night Whose kiss holds The power of death or unending life Or Nick Knight The heroic police detective Who seeks atonement through The lives he saves? None of the three is certain Least of all the dark knight himself Still desiring the temptress Still placing his faith in the doctor Each holds her place in his heart, yet He cannot separate them from The possibilities they represent One seeks to draw him into darkness The other to lead him into the sunlight He feels that pull Equal influences From opposite sides Just when he thinks he has Stepped closer to one The other reaches out to snatch him back A perfectly balanced struggle Which means that, in the end, No matter what they do His fate remains something He alone must choose --Valerie Lynn Meachum May 15, 1992 * * * BITTER CHOICE How can you ask that of me? I thought you understood, Nat And maybe you do But at this moment It doesn't matter to you at all I can't offer him life, not really Only this shadow, this imitation That I have lived for nearly eight hundred years And that you have mistaken for humanity I thought you understood You have been my reason, my conscience My stability Now, suddenly, everything is chaos again Maybe I'd be better prepared for this If I'd seen past your confident, professional facade Noticed there was a vulnerable human being behind it It still amazes me that you trust me with your life But I see now how closely you've hidden your heart I suppose that's wise I've killed a few of those in my time too Up till now I thought yours was safe Now I've learned differently And it terrifies me to see you like this To know that grief and exhaustion Can shatter your defenses And reduce you to a desperate, demanding little girl To hear your broken voice through The memories playing out in my mind Saying terrible, hurtful things That you would never even think If the pieces of your mind were in their proper order Isn't that my job? And I'm trying to do yours Trying to give you my shoulder to lean on And talk you out of madness How many times have you done it for me? But I don't know how Don't ask this of me, Nat I'm begging you You know, don't you, That I can't refuse you anything Can't risk seeing you walk out that door Never to return I'll do anything, beloved friend Even this terrible thing That can only result in disaster To drive that lost, haunted look from your eyes To bring back the strong, confident Natalie I know With her peculiar combination of wisdom and innocence That comes, I think, Of seeing too much and living too little Bit by bit, that innocence is slipping away I'm afraid I'm to blame for that And as for the wisdom... Well, I wanted to believe all those things too It's so easy for me to forget That even by mortal standards You are far too young to know as many things With as much certainty As we have both chosen to believe You will never be the same in my eyes But I think that's for the best Humanity isn't perfect, remember? And you are, after all, My role model in this quest To reclaim my humanity No matter what comes of this choice And I fear the worst I hope you know that I will never condemn you for it You're allowed to be wrong too But take it from me: Be prepared for the consequences Which doesn't mean I won't be there to help you deal with them What kind of friend would I be If I abandoned you at a time like this? All right, Nat I'll do this for you You'll have to pray for it to come out right I'm not foolish enough To believe God still listens to me And when all is said and done We will neither of us be the same I hope we will be stronger --Valerie Lynn Meachum October 12, 1992 * * * MISSING CHILD Once upon a time There was a little girl Who thought she had all the answers Oh, so very realistic she was She knew that nothing worth having Ever comes easily And it never once occurred to her That sometimes those things don't come at all Even now I refuse to believe that There must be a way We just haven't found it yet But every day it gets harder to deny The fear that I don't really know where to look And that my strength will break Before we find it It would kill you, I know If you looked at me and realized That little girl is long gone And the woman who remains Finds herself increasingly unable to help you But I don't have any choice You have no one else to lean on So whenever you aren't looking I somehow patch together the mask The face I barely recognize as my own The eyes that looked with innocent wonder On a man who had come to expect only fear The smile that poured out hope For a soul that had so long known despair I don't know how much hope I have left to give I remember when we were honest with each other Truths freely given, as we did to no one else In the confidence they would never become weapons But they did How did we let that happen? Somewhere along the line We started striking at each other With the very stones that supported us And our trust has twisted Into a shared denial I must never let you see how I hurt See what has happened to the wondering child I think she's still here somewhere If I can only find her again But if you were to see that she is lost You would only blame yourself Add that much more to your burden of guilt And I can't let that happen Not when the fault is entirely my own Thinking only of following you Of not letting you get away And so sure the summer child had nothing to fear I have allowed myself to be drawn too far Into the confusing shadows of your world The darkness you long to escape And now I know why you never have I stand only in the twilight Yet I find myself as lost as you are Have I passed this way before? There's no way to tell anymore Not when I, too, have gone so long Without really seeing the sun I have lost the daylight perspective That gave us both our anchor And I struggle to find it again And with it the summer little girl I must find her I don't know who I've become in her place It hurts to hide these things from you But I couldn't bear to let you see them See how shamefully I have failed you I have to hide it until I can make it right --Valerie Lynn Meachum February 10, 1993 * * * WEDNESDAY MORNING, 2/15/95 What the hell happened to me last night? Feel like I've been through a war If you believe the poets (Granted, I usually don't) My head should be light with thoughts of love So how come it's full of broken glass? God, does champagne taste foul a night's sleep later! Really must remember that next time... Next time what? Maybe it's all wrong Maybe I'm just not ready for this Even if he is, bless his heart Two-Minute Gourmet be damned! But that was so perfect And this is so wrong Look awful Feel worse "I do not love this woman." Hello, where did I pull that from? That can't be Nick's voice Too hard Too cold But I've heard it that way before, haven't I? A jagged shard of the night's events What else lies shattered in that heap? Edges ready to cut me if I pick them up to look Well, I've been cut before Roses Champagne Yes, dammit, I know all that, what else? Confusion Fascination My scream, but not aloud... Murmuring voice half inside my head Gentle hands in my hair Cool breath on my skin Not Nick's! Not invited! Not unwelcome... "...meeting one's opposite You meld like two sides of the same coin." The voice, the voice, where have I... "I'm sorry, but I have no idea who you are." A lie to gain ground, of course I do Can't miss that voice--ow! All right, where's the damn aspirin? Deep breath, Natalie Let's try to take this from the top: One restaurant, empty One man, unfamiliar Vampire? LaCroix? God help me, it's LaCroix I guess it was inevitable, wasn't it? Fine, then Never let 'em see you sweat If he wanted me dead I would be by now So what does he want? Sit down Find out Learn as much as I can "You flatter me." It's true Going to all this trouble for one mortal? Doesn't mesh with what Nick says How well does Nick really know him, anyway? What do I really know at all? What can I find out? *pop* Huh? What'd I miss? He caught me, why didn't I notice? Shake it off Focus Mental note: ask Nick about Planting silent suggestions When he's saying something else aloud Really gotta give this thing a name Other than hypnosis, which it isn't There's so much I can learn here Relax Can't do that, gotta focus Don't be afraid Stop that! Agree No, I don't think so "You do love Nicholas, do you not?" Mind your own business! "Yes." Hm? Food? Okay, good, that's a stable subject Speaking of which, am I going to get any here? Champagne on an empty stomach is not smart Damn you, get out of my mind! Caught you that time Learned what to watch for Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere But that's my choice, not yours Isn't it? Keep talking, girl! Words, where are my words? Tongue won't do as it's told Am I still making sense? "Eating is one of the pleasures of life." One I'm not willing to give up Is he sorry he did? "...a luxury neither Nicholas nor I can afford." Nick thinks he can Who's right? What do I love? Why do I love? Is that true? Nick showed me Surprised, scared Is it the darkness I love? Keep talking Tired, dizzy Remember Nick, hold on to that So easy to just let go Run scream bite kick thrash What's he saying? Murmuring voice half inside my head Gentle hands in my hair Cool breath on my skin Not Nick's! Not invited! God help me, now I understand How could I have been trapped like this? Don't accept it, don't want it FIGHT Fight fight fight fight Body won't move, doesn't care Push back push back push... Crash That would be Nick Always making an entrance Sorry, Nick, so tired Trying to break loose "I do not love this woman." It isn't working, Nick He knows you're lying How do I know that? Hey, I moved! No, Nick moved me Rough, careless, hurtful Not like before Two-Minute Gourmet be damned Ow, Nick, what are you doing? <"It is the beauty of her innocence that you love And that you will kill with the first taste of her blood."> Waitaminnit, that is *not* mine Nick's voice? Not here, not now What *is* here or now? Lost them somewhere He WHAT? "No." "Why not?" Am not! "Your heart is still untouched." Liar! Tired Confused Nothing makes sense Dammit, he's gone and I still can't move! He's gone and Nick is Nick again You're so cute when you panic You're tangling the hell out of my hair "Nat, look at me." Have to open my eyes for that, don't I? So tired Used up my adrenaline for a year "It's okay, everything's okay." Nick, can I sit back down now? Very very tired Very confused Don't like it one bit "How could I let him do this to you?" How could *I* let him do this to me? "It's all right, Nat You didn't see, you didn't hear, you didn't feel You won't remember Please don't remember!" Remember what? I just put the pieces together And they're falling apart again My head hurts I know things I shouldn't And the edges are cutting me You're right, Nick, I won't remember For your sake and mine I will leave those jagged shards alone Until I can make weapons of them Even if they cut me Well, I've been cut before --Valerie Lynn Meachum February 15, 1995 * * * INQUIRY Is this the one, Nicholas? A porcelain doll With a backbone of tempered steel Does she know How easily I could smash her pretty head? But not yet I want to know what's inside it What makes this one different Why you have granted her custody of your soul And allowed her to believe That it was still yours to give Are you still fool enough To believe that yourself? Did she make you believe it again? I was certain You had almost let go of that folly Now it lives stronger than ever Your hope, your folly Nourished by the dreams Of one insignificant girl Why? I thought you had learned Such dreams cannot sustain you for long What will you do When hers come crashing down? Will you see the truth That they never meant anything at all? So many times I've watched you Willingly imprison yourself In some mortal's cloud-spun castle They need such illusions Where they can hide from the truth Of death, of hell or emptiness to come You have no need to hide These things do not threaten you But this time the castle Is spun from your own dreams And it is she, however blind Who seeks the truth Ah, now I begin to understand You were drawn As I think you always will be By the twin illusory lures Of beauty and innocence But you have been held, it seems By strength and courage Have you ever wondered If those too are illusions? We shall see... The walls she has built Around her sharp mind Are formidable enough, to be sure I'm not surprised You failed to break them down But why waste so much effort When one can Slide Quietly Around them? You see, Nicholas, I've been watching you And watching her I know where her weaknesses lie And which of her strengths May be turned against her You never really understood this game But she shows promise at it, I think Even as the web tightens around her She challenges me With questions of her own She is not the innocent you think her She understands that knowledge is power And she hungers for that knowledge With all the tenacity Of our hunger for blood She has wielded such weapons Against you, hasn't she? And she would against me, given half a chance You are wrong about her As you were about another long ago Another fierce mind and heart Wasted on mortal frailty Sacrificed to your precious Ideal of innocence And I, not understanding Caught off-guard By a part of myself I had thought long dead Allowed you to condemn her I made a fool's bargain And a mind that sought The secrets of the stars Withered and died In a world that still believed The stars revolved around it Tell me, Nicholas, What does her "purity" mean now? She was destroyed by your arrogance In the guise of a brother's love Now, again in the name of love, You are well on your way to destroying another And she, believing in that love Will let it happen But I will not I'm impressed, Nicholas I've never seen you Lie quite so convincingly Not that I believe you for a moment Or, more precisely I know *you* do not believe your words Only because you think you are lying Can you admit so freely That you are using her Consuming her strength and knowledge To fuel your impossible quest Does it even matter Whether you love her or not? You don't know what to do with love Her love for you is real enough Founded on and feeding The very courage and strength Her mortality must inevitably defeat If you don't break them first I know you too well You cling too closely to your reverence For all that is mortal, human, weak Whether you love her or not You will not take that weakness from her Not when you can use it to spite me You would rather see her die You will kill her yourself if you must Which of us, then Is using her as a weapon? I will not trade Fleur for that Won't let you destroy another you "love" And console yourself With the belief that you have "saved" her What kind of payment would that be? You owe me more than that Fleur deserved better And so does this woman Who so echoes Her voice, her spirit, her rejection of fear Have you learned yet to value them? Do you know what you have? Or do you see only another angel image? You protect her "innocence" When you could remove the limits That cripple her power Someday she might learn that truth Might claim the knowledge and power That you encourage her to deny Do you think she will need Your protection any longer? Do you think she will need *you*? When that day comes You will have no more lies To hide behind No more buffers to shield your heart From the pain that is your due I cannot see this debt properly paid tonight But it will be paid, Nicholas Someday It will --Valerie Lynn Meachum April 10, 1995 * * * UNSPOKEN FAREWELL Time to move on I can feel it coming As it always does Time and again Through the endless stream of nights Time to give up these playthings And start fresh In a new place A new fiction A new frame of mind It's always worst when I must do it alone I must remember I am going *to* Not running *from* To discover new faces New amusements New blood Who am I trying to fool? We all know the way of it These lives can never last We are always forced to flee From one thing or another Or a whole army of circumstances Driving us away You have not seen the army coming, Nicolas For you are part of it in your way Led by the eternal general Notre pere Le maitre de nos nuits Le diable lui-meme You always defy his orders And never fail in the end To carry them out Perhaps you are too much the soldier still Tonight, though You belong to me And I to you A thing we have not shared in so long I wonder how long it might be Before we share it again Never mind that We are here now Witnessed only by the stars Even the moon hides her face To give us this moment alone Soon enough the moment will be gone And so will I Perhaps I could face the forces Conspiring to drive me out But I don't want to I don't want to defy him as you have It's not that I don't want my freedom But that is not the way to win it I will not be here To be ignored until he Chooses to make some use of me No doubt he will take for himself What I have built here Of my own volition Independent of him It doesn't surprise me That has always been his way And nothing will ever change that You would do well To remember that And be prepared When he takes away what is yours The tug-of-war has already begun Hasn't it? I will not be here To pick up the pieces When you lose it all again I would be in too much danger Of caring about it myself You see, I have no illusions About what drove you to me tonight And why you apologize for "using" me For sharing with me What must never touch her But it will, my love She has made her choice And will never flee I like her, you know Reckless child that she is Ton ange de soleil Si forte, si fiere, si folle And that's a thing I can't afford You will fight To keep him from claiming her As he does all things That are yours Or mine Or ours He will not let us have What he has not given us I will not be here To watch you tear her apart Don't think it doesn't hurt me to go He wants me to And you would not So you mustn't know You would never understand Why my choice Allows his will to prevail You look so sad Have you tasted farewell in my blood? Mais non, c'est simplement mon Nicolas Forever unhappy with the way things are And with what you need It's best this way, mon amour I know you will be angry And hurt I know you will not understand But I won't see Your wounded little-boy face The storm in your eyes When he tells you I've gone I won't have to share The hurt in your never-hardened heart I will not be there --Valerie Lynn Meachum August 10, 1995 Offered in tribute to two remarkable women, Deborah Duchene and Janette du Charme. May they both find happiness wherever their paths lead them. * * * THE STONES CAST FOR ME (for Gillian) A soothsayer's word over yours But more than words, Nicolas de Brabant The truth is the truth In words, in a scatter of stones In the ten thousand songs Living within the harp of my people You do not understand You laugh, though You are not truly mocking me Laugh with your open-sky eyes With your fine voice that falls silent In fear of the songs it could know In silence, in fear... These will be your hiding places You will walk far among men A distance, a time Beyond my understanding Walk among men, and laugh And dance, and even love Especially love Yet in fear and silence You will make your home It begins here We will not share a destiny We cannot, when you sit beside me Hear the sounds of wood and wire and wind And deny what you hear beyond them Deny the truth your own heart tells you That God does not live only In the words you so cling to Words made by men And used by men To give them power over men Where is the God in that? In silence You seek to smother your doubts In fear You cling to the words That become less what they were meant to be With each tyrant who makes a weapon of them And you do not see That among a people Who give their children only the words The miracle is that you Grew to be what you are A man who can hear the magic in music Who can love without judging Who can sense the truth behind the words A truth twisted and betrayed by conquest In fear You will flee what will happen here In silence You will carry the words as a weapon Wield them with your sword In a war over a place That belongs to itself, and to all souls You will hold your tongue When you see others around you Who have only the weapons of the words And know not the truth beyond Who kill for their own pleasure In the name of a God Who must weep at the sight In silence You too will weep In fear Deep in the night where none can see When you know most surely That all the killing is for naught And the hate will begin In silence You will accept the love Of a woman of dark mystery In fear You will turn your back on the light Answer the call of her father And make him your own From these you will elarn What it is to kill for pleasure To believe yourself a greater thing Than the men around you To take what you please Because it is there for you For a time you will Believe you are content And the hate will grow In silence You will witness the death Of one unafraid In fear You will be unable To grant her final request The flames will rise And she will forgive you As she forgives her murderers They will have only the weapons of the words But she will have the truth And she will see that truth Living still within you However you try to forget it It is the unafraid You will always love most And the hate will grow In silence The dark one will leave you In fear You will shrink from life without her Though you will ahve Cursed her a hundred times For luring you into shadows You will need her to tell you Your light still lives The other, the father Will laugh at your sorrow Tell you she is not Truly lost to you You will always Find one another in the dark And the hate will grow In silence You will wake In a strange cold place In fear You will seek to escape The bright one you will meet there Wise eyes for so innocent a soul Freely sharing her warmth You will try to forget her Try to make her forget you It is the unafraid You will always love most For her you will break the silence Let her draw from you Secrets never spoken For her you will face down the fear Let her follow you Along the dark pathways In search of one by which She might lead you back Back to what? You will wish To be what she is Were you ever before? So you will find yourself Testing her strength, her will Her love Breaking her heart Wounding her soul And each time she will forgive In silence You will keep from her What you hide from yourself In fear You will try again and again To drive her away Clinging the more tightly to her Each time you fail And each time she will forgive And the hate will grow In silence The dark one will leave you once more In fear She will return Having gained the prize You claim to seek She will not know why But she will wish to keep it In silence You will deny her wish To pass into the light at her second calling In fear You will cling to her Draw her back to the dark And again she will leave you And the hate will grow What will you have learned? More than I can imagine More than you can now understand From the dark one Though you will betray her From the father Though you will deny him But not the most important thing That will be harder to learn With each turn of your life You will not have learned To forgive yourself Not even the bright one The unafraid From whom you will learn so much Not even she can teach you that Not even she can take away The hate you will turn upon yourself In silence You will try to understand As she lays down her love, her life In fear You will see she has reached at last The limits of her strength Even then you will deny your own Believe you have none to offer her Believe you have destroyed her In silence You will make Your own judgment of her words In fear You will seek To deliver her from darkness To follow her to the light beyond Your fear, not hers That the light she would Carry within her Could not be enough How could you think otherwise? When you will always be so certain That your own will never be Though it is for that light That the dark one and the father And the bright one too It is for that light they will love you Only you cannot love you Perhaps then you will learn I can see no more, only guess Perhaps all of it The songs and the killing And the sacrifices and the love Perhaps then it will come together Perhaps then you will understand And then the hate will end --Valerie Lynn Meachum October 8, 1996